Maybe you've noticed, maybe you haven't, but I have not been posting as much as usual. So much has been going on: end of the school year chaos, a week-long graduate course, a decision to move (followed by me and Asa having a cleaning frenzy, garage sale, and our house on the market all within a week...by the way, do you know anybody who is looking for a 4-bedroom ranch with a finished basement in the Portage area?), and all kinds of summer fun (beach trips, 5k races, cookouts, soccer camp). Yup, that about sums up my list of excuses for not posting as much.
Here's the real reason: I am not in a good place right now as far as being a healthy person, and it mainly has to do with food choices (as usual). I have been working out a lot, and I feel great in that area. My foot is doing okay - I know it'll never be 100% better, but I don't think it's getting worse. Asa and I just started training with Jill, and I really enjoy that (both for myself, since I know she'll help me reach some fitness goals, and for me and Asa together - our training session is a fun couples thing to do!).
So, during the time I'm working out, I'm focused, committed, and driven. Then it all falls apart.
Every day begins with the best intentions; I log my healthy breakfast into My Fitness Pal and tell myself to just make it through today - one day - within my calorie goal. By about noon, I've given up, and I'm back to old habits of overeating and making poor food choices.
I am so sick of this being a struggle for me. It is such a burden. I'm really happy in the other aspects in my life (family, work, relationships), and it just doesn't seem to make sense that I can't get a handle on this and make the changes to do what I really want to do: lose about 25 pounds and maintain that weight. I've set goals and failed at them, and that leaves me feeling even worse about it all. I can't envision myself as 25 pounds lighter, and maybe that's the problem...I haven't given myself the chance to believe I can make it happen.
What happened to the girl blogging two months ago, the one who was losing weight each week and meeting new fitness goals? The one who would see people she hasn't seen in awhile and they'd say, "You look great. What have you been doing?" The one who thought that maybe, just maybe, she'd be in a single-digit pant size by fall?
The voice of self-doubt in my head has a lot of Schadenfreude (warning if you click that link: it's an excerpt from the musical Avenue Q and has lots of swearing!) about this situation: "Hah! I knew you couldn't do it! You're going to yo-yo back to where you were before!" I need to kick that idiot voice in the teeth.
Has anyone else been in this rut? What did you do to get over it?
Julie you look fantastic! You truly are beginning to look 100% better physically every time I see you. You have the motivation and drive that very few people have. We are not superhuman, sometimes life is hectic and I believe it is okay that you have not completely met your all your goals yet. At least, you know that you are not done with this journey and that you are consistently making effort every day. Keep up the great work and thanks for being a motivation to myself as well :) Love your blogs!
ReplyDeleteI have to post this in two sections, because it's too long...
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in the process of losing, I would do really well and than falter from time to time and I always found it was due to a few reasons. One was perceived deprivation. I'd just feel like I had been so hard on myself and not been able to eat anything fun and I'd cave to something bad and immediately feel terrible. I'd tell myself I'd undone months of hard work even though I knew that was ridiculous. Second would be frustration, in that I'd just get pissed that I had to be so careful and diligent in my choices to reach my goal, not to mention that nagging thought in the back of my head that I knew I'd have to maintain that careful lifestyle forever in order to stay where I knew I was healthy and looked the way I wanted to look. Third would be celebration. I'd let outside factors, others opinions and my own excitement over progress let me say "I've done so well, I deserve to have a good time here and there and indulge a bit." But I also know that indulgence for me is such a gateway and I'd realize a day later that I'd gone a bit too far and it was going to be that much harder to get back on track once I'd I'd tasted what I saw as the carefree life. (Pun intended...)
I'd also do the same thing you mention, where I'd start out the morning telling myself I would stay where I should be with food intake and calories and halfway through the day would realize I'd snacked a little too much or eaten a few things I normally wouldn't. Most times I'd be able to check myself and fix the rest of the day, but I know other times the defeatist side of me would throw in the towel since I'd already messed up. Leaving me to feel even more guilty by that night and the next day.
Now that I've reached a goal, and continue to work on target areas, I have the additional problem that I can fall into the pattern of being a little too relaxed. I have to remind myself that even though I work out as much as I do, I still have to be careful or it cancels out all of my hard work. That's not to say I avoid indulging from time to time or being a little casual here and there, but I also have to remember that those allowances can be a slippery slope into too much indulgence and ensuing guilt and frustration.
I hate the saying I see often pinned on Pinterest "30 percent is in the gym and 70 percent is in the kitchen." But I hate it because it's right. You can bust your ass in the gym, but make poor food choices and not see any progress. Unfortunately it's easy to get annoyed that you have to bust your ass AND make proper food choices and forget that those who aren't making the good choices probably don't feel as healthy as you do despite maybe being able to maintain a smaller size or appear thinner.
ReplyDeleteI think in the end we have to remember what we're working so hard for and remember to let our actions complement each other. And be able to enjoy ourselves from time to time without the guilt and without the self-defeating behaviors that can cause us to give up because of an extra beer or too many nachos one night. It's a careful and difficult balance for some of us, and while I think some of it gets to be a little more natural of a behavior, we'll probably always have to work at our choices and our actions because maintaining and respecting our bodies is too important to just be an afterthought.
Just remember how far you've come and how hard you work. You do a lot more for yourself and are a lot more focused than a lot of people and that's something to be proud of. You get up early when you need to, you work out when you don't feel like it and you are at least very aware of what you're eating as opposed to not paying attention to it. It may feel like you're losing the battle, but you're really just fighting some of the more difficult parts of it.